Presidential Auction

I have just been informed of a ground breaking development. While discussing our nations plummeting funds and skyrocketing debt, the government decided to, um, sell the president. According to a statement to the press an auction will be held next month attended by all the world's powers. Apparently the sale will be accompanied by a contract demanding that the new owner of the president will not abuse his position of authority or in any other way be less than nice to us.

"I am thankful that I can be of such use to my country," the president is reported to have said. "I feel that this will be a great step toward strengthening our relationship with whoever purchases me." This was in a written statement sent to the media, as the president was unavailable for interview. It is not known where he is being kept until the auction.

Authorities are forecasting the sale to be around 800 billion and to be to China, Russia, or Exxon. "We know it will be a dangerous investment," says an Exxon spokesperson. "But if we can control the presidency we may be able to repeal many of those expensive restrictions and regulations."

China and Russia were unavailable for comment.

The president's job will remain the same after the auction, but he will be required to do as his owners say. Congress assures us that whoever ends up being the proud new owner of the president, will undoubtedly respect our way of life and uphold our values and leave us alone to better ourselves and the world around us.